I wrote this quite some time ago and thought I would post it now before it got lost in my sea of emails:
I decided to take a moment out of my day to write you a note. A note that would be my last of this kind and a final farewell to my old way of life. It is not that I am trying to make it more difficult or inflict any sort of heart ache on someone who has moved on, because it is not. It is purely a way of me squaring away a part of my life that ended many years ago and neatly packaging it away. In the most important ways that has already been done, but I still felt compelled to write it for the mere fact that it was and is not any more.
I realize that there was strife, in more ways than one, and that in many instances there were invisible scars made that many would never heal from. As I write this I can almost feel some of those points again, which is why I must continue on with the note. We know that there are things in life that end and in those endings there is opportunity for change. This is where we stand now. As the cross roads have gone by and the new paths lay ahead, we both can now pave a new way to live and love. I have said many times, it is sad when things end, even the things that cause you pain and this held true time and time again. We must not lose sight of what is more sad, which is when things end and the vision of future possibility never comes to light. We miss out on the what could be and loving more what we loved less of before. I would not say for myself that there was less love or giving of myself, but what I have learned is that the loving of one does not make up for the silence of another. I know now that holding onto ideas is just that, holding on and not enjoying all that it can be.
In conclusion, I accept it, knowing it would never be what it should be.
The End.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I lost a letter the other day
I lost a letter the other day. Well, it was not so much a letter in the old fashion sense; it was a conversation between two people that seemed to live on each time it was read. It was the kind of letter that you never quite get tired of reading because it kept you wondering what could have been next. It represented just a moment in time, one that was short but impacting in the scheme of life.
The letter encompassed an entire conversation was no longer than a trip to the grocery store or a morning walk along a beach. It was the kind of letter that you may compare to the bitter sweetness of what time and distance can do to people. It had a little of the best parts of life in it, from the beginnings to the endings. Every once in awhile I would read it and it would conjure up the intensity of the moment and the sadness of the walking away. It was a letter you keep, one that I hope I find someday.
The letter encompassed an entire conversation was no longer than a trip to the grocery store or a morning walk along a beach. It was the kind of letter that you may compare to the bitter sweetness of what time and distance can do to people. It had a little of the best parts of life in it, from the beginnings to the endings. Every once in awhile I would read it and it would conjure up the intensity of the moment and the sadness of the walking away. It was a letter you keep, one that I hope I find someday.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Persistence
There are times in our lives when persistence is the key to success. It is a driving force that enables us to do and achieve what we may have thought impossible. I believe I am someone who persists in life, in making it happen to the best of my abilities, in working towards my goals and this has saved me from defeat in many instances. Now, I am not always as successful as I would have liked to be, but all in all persistence has paid off.
What would we do if as children we decided that because we kept falling, kept missing the basket or failing math that we resign ourselves to a life of crawling, no sports and counting on our fingers to figure out the easiest of problems. I think we all agree that persistence is part of being human and in most cases it is a very good thing!
However, there are times when it is not so great. I believe many of us know of "that person" who continually asks the same questions thinking they will get a different outcome. Children tend to do this regularly, but eventually they learn. They learn that it is annoying, it is not acceptable to continue this type of behavior and in fact detracts from how they how they are viewed. We all can remember about the evil word "selfishness" when we were little. I suggest a flashback to our youth because I believe, in contrast to our adult life, it is then that we are most aware of our selfish ways as we are disciplined more quickly on when and how we were being selfish. When we get older, people tend to just stay away and ignore selfish souls and limit how they impact their own life. As we all know, there are few parents out there encouraging selfishness, at least we like to hope not and in return we would hope that no one wants to portray a sense of selfishness. However, many often conveniently forget that being persistent in the things you want without taking into account the feelings of others is selfish, especially when you know it causes them unhappiness.
I believe we all need to keep our wants in perspective and not just when it is easy for us to do. Just thinking of ourselves and not the impact of our actions on others is just selfish and not even remotely persistent in a good way :) I write this because I have seen selfishness in my life and it can be upsetting. It is hard to stamp out selfish persistence in those who are accustom to this behavior. It seems as though adults who are selfish act with disregard with many of the choices they make in their lives. It is as if they have forgotten how or that they should look around to see who may be stomped on, crushed or disheartened by their actions.
I believe the only good that may come from those selfish acts that impact us or those around us is to take note, learn from it and improve our own efforts to be persistent. To take a look at how we get there and not just getting what we want with whatever means available. To be persistent in a good way the next time around.
What would we do if as children we decided that because we kept falling, kept missing the basket or failing math that we resign ourselves to a life of crawling, no sports and counting on our fingers to figure out the easiest of problems. I think we all agree that persistence is part of being human and in most cases it is a very good thing!
However, there are times when it is not so great. I believe many of us know of "that person" who continually asks the same questions thinking they will get a different outcome. Children tend to do this regularly, but eventually they learn. They learn that it is annoying, it is not acceptable to continue this type of behavior and in fact detracts from how they how they are viewed. We all can remember about the evil word "selfishness" when we were little. I suggest a flashback to our youth because I believe, in contrast to our adult life, it is then that we are most aware of our selfish ways as we are disciplined more quickly on when and how we were being selfish. When we get older, people tend to just stay away and ignore selfish souls and limit how they impact their own life. As we all know, there are few parents out there encouraging selfishness, at least we like to hope not and in return we would hope that no one wants to portray a sense of selfishness. However, many often conveniently forget that being persistent in the things you want without taking into account the feelings of others is selfish, especially when you know it causes them unhappiness.
I believe we all need to keep our wants in perspective and not just when it is easy for us to do. Just thinking of ourselves and not the impact of our actions on others is just selfish and not even remotely persistent in a good way :) I write this because I have seen selfishness in my life and it can be upsetting. It is hard to stamp out selfish persistence in those who are accustom to this behavior. It seems as though adults who are selfish act with disregard with many of the choices they make in their lives. It is as if they have forgotten how or that they should look around to see who may be stomped on, crushed or disheartened by their actions.
I believe the only good that may come from those selfish acts that impact us or those around us is to take note, learn from it and improve our own efforts to be persistent. To take a look at how we get there and not just getting what we want with whatever means available. To be persistent in a good way the next time around.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I signed it
It seemed pretty easy to do for some reason. I am not sure why, but there was very little feeling about it. Perhaps so much time had passed that it seemed like a regular business transaction, like closing a bank account or cashing out an investment that you had for a long time. I made a few excuses quietly to myself as to why I felt the way I did. I believed it may be because of how far I had come, how hard it was and now it isn't or maybe I had just gotten over it. Whatever the reason, I thought I must be going through the motions in a non-heartfelt kind of way because there was no sadness left inside of me. There was no sadness until hours later.
When I had time to stop, time to sit back away from the business of the day and reflect for just a second, I began to realize that I had not been as easy come easy go as I thought I had. I think we all do that, reflect when we have that spare moment in the day when there is noone needing an answer or a task completed.
I thought about how it was supposed to be and what fell short. What I had hoped for in the beginning and how I tried to hang on. I tried so very hard to remember the good parts, which I grasped to remember more than two. I assured myself I had did what I could, and that it was for the best, but it was sad. It is sad when things end, especially the things you thought should or would not, even when there was pain. I went through the last 15 years of my life trying to recount what had happened and why this is right and there was no question there was no other choice. I tried, in the end it wasn't my choice. It is sad, but it is also the start of a new beginning. A beginning that has given more good memories than I had ever thought possible.
When I had time to stop, time to sit back away from the business of the day and reflect for just a second, I began to realize that I had not been as easy come easy go as I thought I had. I think we all do that, reflect when we have that spare moment in the day when there is noone needing an answer or a task completed.
I thought about how it was supposed to be and what fell short. What I had hoped for in the beginning and how I tried to hang on. I tried so very hard to remember the good parts, which I grasped to remember more than two. I assured myself I had did what I could, and that it was for the best, but it was sad. It is sad when things end, especially the things you thought should or would not, even when there was pain. I went through the last 15 years of my life trying to recount what had happened and why this is right and there was no question there was no other choice. I tried, in the end it wasn't my choice. It is sad, but it is also the start of a new beginning. A beginning that has given more good memories than I had ever thought possible.
Friday, January 2, 2009
2008 in Review
2008 has tip toed out of our lives and into our memories. I think many people had a tough time in 2008 economically and are hoping 2009 will bring them back to where they were or at least show some positive signs that they are getting somewhere. I think the next two years will be a time for people to appreciate what they have and learn that more "stuff" doesn't always bring happiness into their lives. Unfortuntely for many, it takes a significant life event to make you realize that.
The holidays in general are a time when much of society feels that more stuff will make the time spent with family much more special. The more stuff under the tree signifies a great Christmas for many and in fact, the whole entire season is chalked up to good or bad based on how much "stuff" we have. Every year I try to fight this by scaling back from the year before and trying to stay with the 1 big present, 1 medium present and 1 small present concept for the kids. However, with relatives in the mix the "stuff" factor tends to increase more than I had initially planned it to be. I suppose at least with scaling back on my end the overall amount of "stuff" decreases. Let me just put this into a more real context.
This year, even though the family goal was to scale back to focus less on the stuff and more of what Christmas means and enjoying time together the children recieved "Laptops" after visiting Grand Parents in another city. Do children who are 11 and 9 require laptops I ask myself? Do the pink and blue laptops tell a story all by themselves as many of us believe we must be connected to the outside, unfeeling world that the internet has to offer. The analogy I keep using is like this. If I don't let my children over two streets when playing outside at their own home, why is it okay to play in the backyards of people who live half way around the world or even in the next city?
I believe having a computer in the home to use on occasion is a great tool and asset, but do children need their own personal device to do this? I cringe at the thought of children laying on their bed surfing the net, trying to find who knows what on the internet. Of course they may use it for school purposes, to chat with family members and become tech savy individuals. However, does an abundance of information need to be available to them whereever they may want to roam about - any where in the home? What happened to the good old days when children simply played outside and dreamed about building things they had never even imagined before. They played games they created by simply combining ones they already knew of or by just taking whatever was being done or played that day and spawning a game from it. Much imagination and social skill learning time is spent outside the walls of any building when you are a child and technology does not necessarily promote it from what I can tell. Computers tend to allow people to do less with the people that are most important, the ones you love and are just in the next room.
What I am trying to point out here, by ranting away, is that more stuff does not always have the effects we would like it to so into 2009 we may want to keep that thought in our back pockets and refer to it from time to time.
There is one thing that I have to include in this first blog of the year that I am compelled to write. As 2008 is now just a memory, I hope that I have made the right choices and changes in my life as I move forward. I believe I have. I believe I have tried to do the right thing, to be fair and understanding to everyone and especially the people in my life that make up the most important aspects. I do believe that I have stuggled with some decisions and feelings over the last year and hope that I have done the right thing. I am still unsure of many things, but as time passes I become more confident of my direction.
I am sure in your own life you have some of those same feelings and if you are anything like me you sit back occasionally and try to look at your decisions and the outcomes thus far from multiple angles. If you don't, you are lucky, because I think that must an easier road - at least in the short term :)
Here's to 2009 and all the twists and turns it has to offer us all. I know it will be better than 2008... Why you ask? Because lately that has been trend :)
The holidays in general are a time when much of society feels that more stuff will make the time spent with family much more special. The more stuff under the tree signifies a great Christmas for many and in fact, the whole entire season is chalked up to good or bad based on how much "stuff" we have. Every year I try to fight this by scaling back from the year before and trying to stay with the 1 big present, 1 medium present and 1 small present concept for the kids. However, with relatives in the mix the "stuff" factor tends to increase more than I had initially planned it to be. I suppose at least with scaling back on my end the overall amount of "stuff" decreases. Let me just put this into a more real context.
This year, even though the family goal was to scale back to focus less on the stuff and more of what Christmas means and enjoying time together the children recieved "Laptops" after visiting Grand Parents in another city. Do children who are 11 and 9 require laptops I ask myself? Do the pink and blue laptops tell a story all by themselves as many of us believe we must be connected to the outside, unfeeling world that the internet has to offer. The analogy I keep using is like this. If I don't let my children over two streets when playing outside at their own home, why is it okay to play in the backyards of people who live half way around the world or even in the next city?
I believe having a computer in the home to use on occasion is a great tool and asset, but do children need their own personal device to do this? I cringe at the thought of children laying on their bed surfing the net, trying to find who knows what on the internet. Of course they may use it for school purposes, to chat with family members and become tech savy individuals. However, does an abundance of information need to be available to them whereever they may want to roam about - any where in the home? What happened to the good old days when children simply played outside and dreamed about building things they had never even imagined before. They played games they created by simply combining ones they already knew of or by just taking whatever was being done or played that day and spawning a game from it. Much imagination and social skill learning time is spent outside the walls of any building when you are a child and technology does not necessarily promote it from what I can tell. Computers tend to allow people to do less with the people that are most important, the ones you love and are just in the next room.
What I am trying to point out here, by ranting away, is that more stuff does not always have the effects we would like it to so into 2009 we may want to keep that thought in our back pockets and refer to it from time to time.
There is one thing that I have to include in this first blog of the year that I am compelled to write. As 2008 is now just a memory, I hope that I have made the right choices and changes in my life as I move forward. I believe I have. I believe I have tried to do the right thing, to be fair and understanding to everyone and especially the people in my life that make up the most important aspects. I do believe that I have stuggled with some decisions and feelings over the last year and hope that I have done the right thing. I am still unsure of many things, but as time passes I become more confident of my direction.
I am sure in your own life you have some of those same feelings and if you are anything like me you sit back occasionally and try to look at your decisions and the outcomes thus far from multiple angles. If you don't, you are lucky, because I think that must an easier road - at least in the short term :)
Here's to 2009 and all the twists and turns it has to offer us all. I know it will be better than 2008... Why you ask? Because lately that has been trend :)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Where's the break?
I really had hoped that December would not require a whole lot of effort, including work. Not that I don't like to work, because I actually do like many aspects of my job, but just that I was looking forward to a break. Work has been running full steam ahead for quite some time and it is just ...well... busy. I guess I am looking for a break from the hectic ways of the outside world. I suppose one could say the time for a break is a vacation day or days and I would tend to agree with that ;). However, I suppose that after the year that has gone by with the ups and downs of almost everything I could close it out with a little relaxation.
Now, I can't really complain 100% as I do have the week of Christmas off. I mean, when was the last time I took Christmas off? I simply can not remember! I have always worked the full week, or at least a partial week and have rarely been able to truly disconnect from what I have going on at work when I have been on vacation. For the most part, I have been okay with that. I know I need to keep on top of things at work and sometimes that means doing the extra stuff to get the job done, even if that means working more than one would like at times. However, I keep asking myself what is different about this Christmas.
I think I have more work life balance now than ever before in my life. I REALLY enjoy my life at home and the time I spend outside of work recently has been putting me in a very different place than where I have been. I look forward to the evenings at home more than I have in a very long time. I think I might have forgotten what it was like to really enjoy home life and it is like I found it again. I am happy, some days more than others, but I am happy. I love spending time with the kids and Jason every day and life is well.. good!
Now, I can't really complain 100% as I do have the week of Christmas off. I mean, when was the last time I took Christmas off? I simply can not remember! I have always worked the full week, or at least a partial week and have rarely been able to truly disconnect from what I have going on at work when I have been on vacation. For the most part, I have been okay with that. I know I need to keep on top of things at work and sometimes that means doing the extra stuff to get the job done, even if that means working more than one would like at times. However, I keep asking myself what is different about this Christmas.
I think I have more work life balance now than ever before in my life. I REALLY enjoy my life at home and the time I spend outside of work recently has been putting me in a very different place than where I have been. I look forward to the evenings at home more than I have in a very long time. I think I might have forgotten what it was like to really enjoy home life and it is like I found it again. I am happy, some days more than others, but I am happy. I love spending time with the kids and Jason every day and life is well.. good!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Game
So close to the ending the year, but yet it seems like there is so much more to do before we close it out.
I am already reflecting back on my year and asking myself what I have really done? I have gone to school for what seems to be nonstop - taking more courses than I ever have at once since I started back to university, made some life changes and just tried to keep things on track the best I could. Was it enough? Did I achieve the kind of results I was really looking for? Not sure yet, but I think things are moving in the right direction. I am planning on graduating in May and it looks like this is more than a slight possibility and work, well, is work - and coming along at about the same pace as previously noted at some point in this blog :0)
I have had some real challenges lately though, grappling quite a bit at what I want out of life. Specifically the important questions that you tend to take lightly when you are younger, but weigh on your mind heavily as you get a tad bit older. This is because you begin to realize there are clearly foundational walls being built, even when you are not paying attention. The kind of thoughts that can really do a number on you because each of those options/avenues require their own separate set of decisions and go forward plan. The only comfort I have is in knowing that the choices I make now are reflective of the information I have on hand now, in the present day. I do the most with what I have and have to believe in myself. That is it.
Generally, I like to know what will happen and try to set a course in the direction that best fits the end result and this is where the contemplation comes in. I wish at some level I could be a bit more care free in my undertaking in this game, but even with my best effort I lean on the knowing.
Either way, life moves on without much stopping it and we continue to take a path we either chose or happen to just go down. The important thing I suppose is to make sure the people around you are a positive support in whatever comes your way.
Here's to having faith in ourselves today on how we will influence tomorrow.
I am already reflecting back on my year and asking myself what I have really done? I have gone to school for what seems to be nonstop - taking more courses than I ever have at once since I started back to university, made some life changes and just tried to keep things on track the best I could. Was it enough? Did I achieve the kind of results I was really looking for? Not sure yet, but I think things are moving in the right direction. I am planning on graduating in May and it looks like this is more than a slight possibility and work, well, is work - and coming along at about the same pace as previously noted at some point in this blog :0)
I have had some real challenges lately though, grappling quite a bit at what I want out of life. Specifically the important questions that you tend to take lightly when you are younger, but weigh on your mind heavily as you get a tad bit older. This is because you begin to realize there are clearly foundational walls being built, even when you are not paying attention. The kind of thoughts that can really do a number on you because each of those options/avenues require their own separate set of decisions and go forward plan. The only comfort I have is in knowing that the choices I make now are reflective of the information I have on hand now, in the present day. I do the most with what I have and have to believe in myself. That is it.
Generally, I like to know what will happen and try to set a course in the direction that best fits the end result and this is where the contemplation comes in. I wish at some level I could be a bit more care free in my undertaking in this game, but even with my best effort I lean on the knowing.
Either way, life moves on without much stopping it and we continue to take a path we either chose or happen to just go down. The important thing I suppose is to make sure the people around you are a positive support in whatever comes your way.
Here's to having faith in ourselves today on how we will influence tomorrow.
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